You don’t know what you got til it’s gone

“So, tell me about your drug use?” The room had an antiseptic vibe. Fake wood table with two padded office chairs, not much else.
“Uh, ya know, just beer.  A little bit of whiskey.  I might smoke a little bit of reefer with the negros next door once in awhile.”
“So you wouldn’t consider yourself an alcoholic or an addict?”
“Hey doc, if I could, I would. The damn hangovers are what kills me. I don’t think I could go on a bender these days even if I wanted to.” The thought of being a man of leisure was nothing but a far off fantasy, one that wouldn’t happen for 99% of working guys.
“Would you like to tell me about how you got here, how you wrecked your truck?”
He didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“Well, I had just got to work that day. I went behind my truck to make sure my lights were working, and suddenly, I had to take a leak. I pull out my dick, and like….there was two of em.  I had my old regular dick, and then I also had this new dick that was right next to it. It freaked me out.” It seemed unreal to be saying these things out loud for the first time.
“I see….TWO penis’s you say?”
“Yeah that’s right doc. The thing is, it seemed like I just had to do somethin’. I had a date that night. I didn’t wanna be whipping it out on the first date and end up scaring this chick. I mean, a guy with two dicks? What would she think? They were so close together, I wouldn’t really be able to do anything special with both of em at the same time em, ya know?”
“Go on. Tell me what happened next.”
“So, the new dick was, uh, a lot bigger than the old dick. I felt like I had to make a choice right then…in that moment. Like I had to do SOMETHING.”
“Please don’t stop telling me what happened. This is very important.”
“Ok. So I took out my switch blade. I always keep it real sharp. It seemed like a no-brainer to just cut off the old dick, and like, looky here, I just came out ahead, won the dick lottery. So, I did. Sliced it off, didn’t feel a damn thing, just like it was a big skin tag or something.”
“So, you amputated your penis?”
“It sounds crazy when you say it like that. But yeah, I cut it off, left it laying there in the dirt and took off to do my run.”
“That’s quite remarkable. It takes a very strong person to do that.”
“Yeah thanks. But a few miles down the road I start having second thoughts. Like maybe I shoulda gone to a doctor. I wasn’t even thinking about the blood loss…..maybe I shoulda tested the new dick out, make sure it works, ya know? The old dick never let me down, it was always there, always did what it was supposed to do. And I left it laying in the dirt.  I left my poor dead dick just laying there on the ground. What if a stray dog found it……”, the patient was now crying and sobbing, his eyes red, his nose running.
The doctor looked at him with cold, calculating eyes, and said, “Our time is up. I’ll be back here tomorrow. Try to get some rest.” As he walked out of the room and out of the hospital, he felt a giddy joy welling up in his chest. The flight back to Fort Detrick wouldn’t be leaving for another four hours, plenty of time to write his report. Just wait til we drop this shit on the Chinese, he thought to himself with a smile.  LSD was nothing compared to this.

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